I am, after all, cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

Advice to anyone just / recently married (a.k.a. Things I wish someone told me when I got married)

Posted by shreyasvjoshi on March 21, 2021


Today, my sister (first cousin on the maternal side technically, but the closest thing to a real sister I could have) got married in Sydney.

Thanks to COVID and all the travel restrictions, couldn’t attend her wedding in-person, but streamed it live virtually.

Which, on a side note, really makes me wary that online interactions don’t replace offline meet-ups more even in the future, just because they are convenient. One of the my main complaints with technology (social media, virtual meet-ups) is the false sense of connectedness it gives many people (which further dissuades them from making any efforts to meeting and interacting in real life). Just like how a digital photo / screenshot / blog post / social media status can never replace the wholesomeness / being fully in the moment (without smartphones, of course) and just talking heart-to-heart with someone.

I really hope the coming generations are not deprived of genuine slices of life with increasing technological dissipation in each walks of their lives.

But I digress, as always. Since I couldn’t attend in-person, and words are all I have, decided to shower some unasked-for advice on my baby sister (although she’s no longer a baby, and only 2 years younger to me) – she’ll always be associated with some of the happiest years and formative memories of my life, so here’s to hoping she has some utility for these words as she goes into the next phase of her life. (Translating in English best I can, as I am not sure if she can read the Devanagari transcript and that she doesn’t need to do the efforts to communicate the same to her Australian husband). Wish both of you a very happy and prosperous married life. 🙂 welcome (officially) to the family, James!

Blessings and best wishes to the lovely couple from all of us in India!

Note: I believe all quotes are from V. P. Kale, I have collected them over a period of time and I am not 100% sure whom the original quote can be attributed to if not him (व. पु. काळे)

As I have come to learn, advice is nothing but words of wisdom you wish someone would have told you when you were in that state of mind / phase of life, so Tanu, of course, your version would be something else, but I hope this suffices for now. 🙂

  1. आयुष्यात एक वेळ अशी येते की, जेव्हा प्रश्न नको असतात फक्त साथ हवी असते
    (There comes a time in life when you don’t want questions, you just want / need support / companionship)
    There will be so many instances in the past / future when you will seriously not understand your spouse, and have so many questions – but in life, what matters more than getting the answers, I feel, is just being there for the other person. And hoping that they answer your questions by themselves, of their own will, rather than you trying to force / extract something out of them.
  2. मनस्ताप ही अवस्था अटळ आहे. पण आपणच संघर्ष टाळू शकलो तर तडा गेलेल्या काचेच्या भांड्याचे दोन्ही तुकडे जागच्या जागी राहतात. त्यातून पाणी पिता आलं नाही तर त्यात फुलं ठेवता येतात
    (The state of heartache / frustration is inevitable. But if we can avoid conflict, both pieces of the cracked glass jar will remain in place. Even though we may no longer be able to drink water from it, flowers can be kept in it)
    This post will expand and go out of word limit / attention span of us millenials so I won’t needlessly expand on some of these points.
  3.  काळ फक्त माणसाचं वय वाढवतो, आठवणींंना वार्धक्याचा शाप नसतो
    (Time can only increase a person’s age, memories do not have the curse of old age)
    So always remember to have fun and enjoy, because there is no dress rehearsal to life, this is it – and at the end of our life, the most prized possessions are the memories you create with the people you love. Don’t worry about quantity of life / years, focus on the quality of living / daily lifestyle. One day at a time, best way you can.
  4. प्रेमाच्या प्रांतात स्वतःकडे कमीपणा घ्यायची वृत्ती लागते. स्वतःला लहान समजण्यातलं मोठेपण मिळवायचं असतं
    (In the realm of love, there needs to be a tendency to project yourself as / be the inferior one. You have to obtain the greatness which comes by considering yourself as the smaller one.)
    Note – this succeeds only if both of the individuals implement it, otherwise it’s a vicious circle. But not like doing the opposite is the correct way too. So this is a tricky tight-rope to balance yourself on.
  5. मन सांभाळायचं ठरवलं तर मन मारावं लागतं. एका वेळेला एकच साधता येतं. स्वतःचं सुख नाहीतर दुसऱ्याचं मन
    (If you want to take care of your spouse’s mind / heart / wishes, you have to mostly kill / sacrifice your own mind / heart / wishes. Only one of the two can be achieved at a time. Either one’s own happiness or the satisfaction of another.)

Tanu, you taught me how comfortable a relationship can be between sisters and brothers. A young yet old friendship, how loose-fitting it is, the immense comfort and safety in it. How I can let silence lie between us without it taking on any weight. How I can simply let garbage out of my mouth without wariness or precision because I know my sister will listen to what’s worthwhile and filter out the rest. How surly, unreasonable, utterly stupid I can behave, in the certainty of your grace – and that is a priceless feeling. 🙂

2017!
2015!

Anyway, there is a longer list, and not sure if all of them are relevant. So, as is my most recent habit, at the end of a public post, a few personal notes to myself. English translation in parentheses (loosely, some context lost in non-native languages)

1> उदंड प्रेम करावं आणि दुसऱ्यावर प्रचंड विश्वास ठेवावा. चांगुपणाने वागण्यात स्पर्धा कमी असते त्यामुळे त्या मार्गाने जावं (Love unconditionally and have tremendous faith in the other person. There is lesser competition / crowd in those who choose good behavior, so always prefer that route in any decision you make)

2> त्याग हाच प्रेमाचा पाया आहे हे ज्यांनी ज्यांनी जाणलं त्यांना प्रेम शब्दातूनच व्यक्त करण्याची पाळी येत नाही. त्यांची प्रेमाची यात्री निःशब्द असते. मौन हाच त्यांचा गाभा असतो. (Those who know that sacrifice is the foundation of love, circumstances never force them to express their love in words. The accompanying force of their love is silent. Quietude is their core.)

3> जोडीदाराशी संंवाद न होणं यासारखं नरक नाही (There is no hell like not being able to communicate / have a heart-to-heart with your partner)

4> रोज रोज प्रेम करतो म्हणणे म्हणजचे प्रेम नसते…तर आपल्या आयुष्यात कोणीतरी अशी व्यक्ती असणे जिच्यावर आपला इतका विश्वास असणे की तुम्ही त्यांना कितीही दूर केलेत तरी, त्यांचे मन कितीही दुखावलेत तरीही ते तुमची साथ सोडणार नाहीत. ते केवळ तुमचेच होते, तुमचेच आहेत आणि तुमचेच राहतील (To say that you love every day is not love… But to have someone in your life whom you trust so much that no matter how much you take them away, no matter how much hurt their heart is, they will not leave you. They were only yours, they are yours and will remain yours)

5> प्रेमात पडलेली व्यक्ती फक्त प्रियकर असते. ती प्रिय असेल तेच बोलते. प्रिय असेल तेवढच बघते, ऐकते, स्पर्शून घेते. प्रियकर म्हणजे आदर्शवाद. माणूस म्हणजे वास्तववाद. (A person who falls in love is only a lover. S/he speaks only what s/he loves. S/he sees, hears and touches only as much as s/he loves. (The concept of) A lover is idealism. (The reality of) Spouse is realism.)

6> एकत्र राहण्यासाठी अक्षता लागत नाहीत तर अंडरस्टँडिंग लागतं (It doesn’t take grains of rice (part of a ceremonial Hindu wedding) to stay together, it takes understanding)

7> ज्यांच्या असण्याला अर्थ असतो, त्यांच्याच नसण्याची पोकळी जाणवते (Only for those whose presence has meaning, only their absence will leave a sense of emptiness)

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